


some and now none of you

by AquaQuadrant



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Coercion, Emotional Abuse, F/F, Manipulation, adora is oblivious and in love with catra, all the bad stuff is inflicted by shadow weaver, au in which shadow weaver successfully erases adora's memories and she rejoins the horde, catra is conflicted because she likes adora but not like this, catra's emotional needs continue to be neglected, inflicted memory loss, not exactly a healthy relationship dynamic, not exactly an optimistic ending, shadow weaver ships catdora but not in a good way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 07:34:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19058128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AquaQuadrant/pseuds/AquaQuadrant
Summary: i had all and then most of yousome and now none of youtake me back to the night we met~*~Shadow Weaver’s plan to get Adora back on the Horde’s side works. Catra isn’t sure how to feel about it.





	some and now none of you

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU in which Shadow Weaver successfully wiped Adora’s memory in episode 9. While the other rebels escaped (including Entrapta because I don’t have time for her) they were forced to leave Adora behind. Instead of demoting Catra, Shadow Weaver still kept her as a Force Captain and has her keeping an eye on Adora. The lie she’s told is that Adora was severely injured in her first battle against the rebellion and put in a coma for a while, and that she doesn’t remember that battle because it gave her amnesia.
> 
> Full disclosure, I originally wrote this for an oc x oc ship of mine, but I liked it as stand-alone She-Ra fanfic too so I changed the names and pronouns (so please forgive me if I missed one or two!) Title from ‘The Night We Met’ by Lord Huron. Please comment if you enjoy! - Aqua

_some and now none of you_

~*~

Catra perches on one of the artificial branches in the training simulator, her tail swaying to keep balance.

Her gaze is trained on Adora. The blonde is several feet below her, oblivious to her presence as she circles one of the training bots. Separated from the rest of the team, Adora fights alone. She doesn’t look panicked- she’s calm and in control, an undercurrent of steel shining in her pale blue eyes.

The bot fires, and Adora dives out of the way in a practiced roll, coming up on her feet and springing forward. At the same time, she throws an arm out to extend her bow-staff. The first hit tears one of the bot’s four legs clean off, the piercing crunch of metal squealing through the air and making Catra’s sensitive ears flatten.

Adora braces the tip of the staff against the floor and pushes off from it, landing a solid kick with both legs into the bot’s side and knocking it off balance. Recovering quickly, Adora grips the staff with both hands and drives it against the bot in a sweeping slash.

The movement seems fluid and natural to her, almost unusually so, and Adora stalls for a second, confusion clouding her features.

Up in the shadows, Catra tenses. She’s recognized the movement as well, and can easily recall another time, another Adora, when she was She-Ra and had swung her sword in the same manner. Some kind of muscle memory must be picking at her right now, trying to figure out why the movement feels so odd with a Horde soldier bow-staff in her hands.

But the moment passes. Adora jams the bow-staff through the center of the bot, finally shutting it down. An alarm rings through the arena, notifying all the trainees that the last foe has been neutralized and the sequence is complete. Sighing with relief, Adora goes to retrieve her weapon, grunting as she pulls it from the metal debris.

Catra drops lightly onto the ground, landing in a crouch before straightening up and folding her arms. “Careful,” she says, uncharacteristically stern, “don’t overdo it.”

Adora only looks mildly surprised to see her, and laughs. “Come on, Catra. It’s been a month since I woke up, I’m fine.”

It’s been one month since Adora was captured. One month since Shadow Weaver strapped her down and wiped out all her memories of her participation in the rebellion, all memories of She-Ra, taking her back to before that fateful first night she snuck out and found the sword. One month of Adora thinking she was in a coma all that time, following a severe head injury during a battle.

One month of Catra pretending to think the same.

Catra forces a grin to her face. “Yeah, and you’ve got a lot of catching up to do. Baby steps, now.”

Adora rolls her eyes, and Catra takes a moment to fully process how strange it is to see Adora like this. Relaxed. Casual. Not wielding an ancient magical sword. Not hating Catra’s guts. So much time was spent only seeing Adora as an enemy, Catra wonders if she’ll ever be able to get over it.

“We- _ell,”_ Adora drawls, “those are some pretty confident words for someone who still refuses to spar with me.”

Catra tenses at the reminder. Sparring was a regular occurrence for them, back then. Before. But now, Catra can’t bring herself to square off against Adora. It’s not out of any practical fear; Adora hasn’t shown any signs she remembers what happened and the old Adora wouldn’t have dreamed of hurting Catra. Hell, even as She-Ra, Adora went out of her way not to hurt Catra too badly in their fights.

But some irrational part of Catra fears what’ll happen if she finds herself opposite those determined blue eyes. If they were to fight, and the shredded scraps of Adora’s mind recognized the pattern and stitched themselves back together. If Catra were to blink and open her eyes to face not Adora, her trusted partner and fellow Horde soldier, but She-Ra, the eight-foot-tall magical battering ram of the rebellion… Catra isn’t sure what she would do.

The optimistic part of her likes to think she would fight, and fight well- she outwitted Adora as She-Ra many times before, after all. But in reality? She’s forced to admit it probably wouldn’t go that way.

Adora’s voice jars Catra from her thoughts. “Aw, hey c’mon, I was only teasing!”

Adora reaches for Catra’s arm, and Catra’s adrenaline spikes. She jerks her arm away and stumbles backwards, barely holding in a hiss. Then she freezes as she realizes, her tail stiff in embarrassment.

The hurt and confusion on Adora’s face makes Catra swallow and look away, awkwardly rubbing her arm. “Sorry,” she mumbles. “Pulled a muscle earlier, it’s still tender.”

“Right.” It’s surprisingly hard to tell if Adora believes her or not- usually, she’s an open book.

Catra clears her throat. “Anyways, good work out there today. I’ll see you later.”

Adora gives a slight nod in response, and Catra wastes no time in departing, trying not to feel guilty. If she’s this badly shaken from a little brush on the arm, she’s in no condition to be around Adora right now.

~*~

Adora flops onto her bunk with a sigh, the memory of that morning’s training session replaying in her head.

Everyone’s been acting… _strange_ around her since he woke up, but none more so than Catra. Sometimes Adora will think things are going alright. She and Catra will be hanging out or talking and it’s like it used to be. But then without warning, something changes, like the flip of a switch, and Catra is different.

Catra isn’t quite _mad_ at Adora, it’s something else. Something Adora can’t identify. There’s a wariness about it, about the way Catra watches her sometimes when she thinks Adora isn’t looking. Wary and… sad? Concerned? It’s impossible to say. All she knows is that she doesn’t like it, and it’s getting worse.

When Adora had first woken up, Catra had been there. She’d been so happy to see Adora, with a thrilled sort of disbelief. The doctors had already anticipated memory loss as a side effect, so Catra hadn’t been concerned by all of Adora’s questions, more amused than anything. And she’d had this weird knowing look in her eye, like she was in on some joke Adora was oblivious to. She’d bragged a little bit about being made a Force Captain in Adora’s absence, and how much the Horde had accomplished, but as soon as they were alone, she’d wrapped Adora in a tight hug and said she’d missed her.

Adora had been content with that. But as the days went on, Catra grew less and less excited to be around Adora, like some kind of novelty had worn off. Instead, her words and actions grew uncertain, sometimes cutting herself off completely in the middle of a sentence and eyeing Adora out of the corner of her eye.

And Adora has no idea why. She’s tried her best to get back in the swing of things, to carry on like nothing happened, pick right back up where he left off. But it’s not working- mostly because no one else seems keen to do the same.

Shadow Weaver talks to her more than ever before, but their conversations have less substance to them than they used to. The old mage used to be very direct with Adora, and this new kind of small talk is extremely out of place. The rest of her team, her old team, was transferred to another quadrant of the Fright Zone, and the new recruits taking their place didn’t know Adora before, so they feel like strangers. Even being summoned by Lord Hordak has lost the allure it held before. His interest in Adora has changed; he looks at Adora not as a promising Horde cadet, but as some kind of puzzle to work out, and it’s… unnerving.

Adora pushes herself upright with a huff, eyes trailing across her empty bunk. Catra used to forgo her own assigned bunk to sleep curled up at the end of Adora’s, but she hasn’t since Adora woke up. It’s little things like that she misses the most, Adora realizes. Little things that used to make life at the Horde more… worthwhile.

She wants it back. She wants _Catra_ back- but where to start? She doesn’t even know what she did to put Catra off this badly, what if she makes it worse? What if she chases Catra off for good, and never gets to tell her how she feels? How she’s always felt?

But… it looks like they’re headed that way, already. Catra is pulling away and if Adora doesn’t do _something,_ she’s going to lose her forever. She’s already lost a part of her life she’ll never get back to an injury that almost killed her. She hadn’t had a choice then, but she does now.

Adora isn’t going to take this lying down.

~*~

Catra is late to the barracks that night, and early to wake.

It’s an attempt to avoid talking to Adora, at least until some of the awkwardness dies down. And while she was fortunate to find Adora asleep when she crept into the silent room, Adora is already gone when she wakes up. Catra feels guilty, for some inexplicable reason. Maybe _Adora_ is trying to avoid _her_ now.

In any case, Catra is quiet as she drops down from her bunk and tiptoes out of the room, not wanting to wake any of the other cadets. It doesn’t take long to get ready for the day- she sleeps in her uniform, same as all Horde soldiers- and she’s wondering if the mess hall is serving breakfast yet as she slips into the hallway.

Only to run right into Adora.

Adora is alert, like she’s been awake for hours, and she’s clearly been waiting for Catra. A mixture of relief and apprehension flashes across her face, and she tries for a smile. “Hey! Catra! How- how are you?”

“Oh, hey…” Catra grimaces. “What’s up?”

“Well, um…” Adora clears her throat and looks down at her hands as she fidgets. It’d be cute if Catra wasn’t filled with dread. “I was hoping… we could talk?”

That’s the last thing Catra wants to do, but she can already tell Adora isn’t going to drop it. Best to get it over with now. “Sure,” she says warily.

“Okay.” Adora takes a deep breath. “You’ve been… strange, since I woke up. Strange around me. And I- I think I know why.”

Catra barely stops herself from laughing. “Really? How could you _possibly_ know-”

“You felt abandoned,” Adora says, expression soft.

Catra’s words die in her throat. No, there’s _no way_ Adora could know that, it would mean her memory-

“I got hurt,” Adora continues, “and even though it wasn’t my choice, I left you for a long time. You had to deal with everything alone, deal with Shadow Weaver alone, not knowing if I was going to be okay or not. Not knowing when I would come back. And that must’ve been… really scary.”

Catra’s panic leaves her quickly as he realizes- and then the urge to cry and laugh all at once hits her. Adora thinks she’s got it all worked out, but she’s just as clueless as ever. Catra isn’t sure why she’s surprised.

“But… I’m here now.” Adora steps closer, and her hand jerks like she wants to put it on Catra’s shoulder but thinks better of it. “I’m okay, and nothing’s going to happen to me. I’m not going to leave you.”

Catra wants to scream. There was a time she would’ve given _anything_ to hear those words, but they mean nothing now, because Adora _has_ and she would do it again if given the opportunity, she just doesn’t know it.

“And Catra, I… I don’t ever want to lose you.” Adora takes another step forward. Catra’s back presses into the wall- when did she take a step back? “I’ve… felt this way for a while now, I was just scared to tell you. But I’m even more scared of losing you, so- so I’m just gonna say it.” 

It’s like a nightmare. Catra has a horrible certainty she knows what Adora is going to say- she can see it in the flush of Adora’s cheeks and the hopeful glimmer in her eyes- and it’s all twisted and backwards because even if Catra had ever wanted something like this to happen, she doesn’t want it like this. This wrong version of Adora that’s had her mind torn apart and doesn’t remember what she did-

Seized by some kind of boldness, Adora takes Catra’s hands in her own. “Catra,” she says hesitantly, “I like you. A lot. And I- and I was thinking, maybe- I was hoping… do you feel the same?”

Catra’s heartbeat pounds in her ears. A million thoughts run through her mind as she looks down at their hands- hands that have hurt each other time and time again.

Feel the same… like, _romantic_ feelings? Like _love?_ What was she supposed to say to that? Maybe there was… _something_ like that once, when Adora was just the girl she’d grown up with, her most faithful, trusted friend. But after She-Ra, after Catra came to know Adora as an enemy, it changed- Catra couldn’t deny the pull she felt to Adora even from the opposite side of the war, but teasing and taunting and stealing intimate moments during battle was a completely different thing than _love._

And _now?_ Now that all that time has been wiped from Adora’s mind like resetting a bot? Would it be right for Catra to take these feelings to heart when Adora isn’t really herself? When she doesn’t remember what’s happened between them? Because she hurt Catra first by leaving, but Catra isn’t afraid to admit she’s done just as bad- or worse- since then. Would Adora feel the same if she remembered? Catra finds that unlikely.

But in the end, Catra says none of it. She pulls her hands away and meets Adora’s gaze for a moment- just long enough to see the hope come crashing down in Adora’s eyes- before pushing past her and running. Turning tail and _running,_ like a coward, her breath choking in her throat.

Her only mercy is that Adora doesn’t follow.

~*~

Catra isn’t sure where she ends up, exactly.

Some little tucked away corner of the Fright Zone, a storage room of sorts, she thinks. She doesn’t particularly care at the moment, hunched over on the floor with her arms wrapped around herself as she fights back sobs. Her claws dig into her skin just shy of being painful- she has enough control for that, at least.

She’s already regretting running, because it’s suspicious, but she’s not sure what else he could have done. Gently tell Adora that the reason Catra doesn’t feel the same- the reason she _can’t_ feel the same- is because Adora is actually an amnesiac rebel who hosts an ancient power that seeks to destroy everything Catra fights for with the Horde? _Sure,_ if Catra doesn’t mind meeting the business end of Shadow Weaver’s magic.

And speaking of, a familiar voice oozes into the room. “Is there a particular reason you fled from Adora, or is that how you’re ending conversations now?”

Catra doesn’t turn around. “She… _likes_ me, and… she thinks I like her.”

She waits with tensed shoulders for the reaction. For the cruel, condescending laugh she’s come to know so well. For disbelief, dismissal, scorn. Maybe Shadow Weaver will even take insult, that Catra has dared to imply her golden child could possibly care for a worthless creature like Catra.

But it doesn’t come. Shadow Weaver remains silent. Catra risks a glance over her shoulder, and Shadow Weaver tilts her head ever so slightly. The movement is small, but its meaning reads through as loud as words.

_‘Don’t you?’_

Catra whirls around onto her feet, tail lashing through the air. “I don’t!” she hisses, glaring through the sudden sting of tears in her eyes. “I don’t like her. She _left_ me. Why would I ever- _how_ could I like her after everything she’s done?”

Shadow Weaver drifts forward. “But isn’t it better this way?” she intones. “Isn’t this better than fighting her? She’s on your side now. You can be with her without sacrificing your place within the Horde.”

Catra bristles. “Didn’t you hear what I just said?” she demands, a twinge of desperation in her voice. _“I don’t like her.”_

Shadow Weaver’s eyes narrow behind her mask. “I’m far more observant than you give me credit for, and you aren’t as subtle as you believe. I’ve always seen the potential between you two. While I originally thought it might cause problems, I’ve since realized that Adora is far stronger when she has someone to fight for.” Her tone is considering. “Together, you could be quite the force.”

A chill runs down Catra’s spine. “Does everything have to be a mind game with you?” It comes out as more of a plea than the hiss she’d intended. “I’m never going to be anything more than a means to an end for you, am I? Some kind of tool for you to use however you want? Is that why you didn’t erase my memories of She-Ra, too?”

Dark energy flares around Shadow Weaver, the temperature of the room dropping. “Better a useful tool than a worthless one,” she says lowly. “You don’t even realize the opportunity you have here. You can get not only what your heart desires the most, but satisfy your ambitions as well. Few ever get such a chance.”

Catra’s face is burning, but it’s impossible to tell if it’s from her anger or the fact that Shadow Weaver’s words hit a bit too close for comfort. “I don’t need you to tell me what I want.”

“Then allow me to tell you what _I_ want.” Shadow Weaver looms over Catra, and the air around her turns thick and cold, a trapping, stifling force. “You will keep Adora content and on our side. You will uphold your duties as a Force Captain and fight for the Horde. You will never speak of She-Ra again, and if you see any signs that Adora’s memory is returning, or she’s feeling any kind of pull beyond the Horde, you will report it to me immediately so it can be dealt with. And in return, I won’t kill you.” The pressure in the air is almost choking, like a physical hand around Catra’s throat. _“That_ is what I want. Will you deny it to me?”

Catra struggles for breath, dark spots peppering the edges of her vision. “… no, Shadow Weaver,” she finally grits out.

“Very good.” Shadow Weaver draws back. “Don’t keep her waiting too long.”

Shadow Weaver floats out of the room. The pressure dissipates, and Catra sags to the floor, sucking in a shallow breath. Her claws curl against the floor, the sharp scraping sound helping to further ground her. Her vision is clouded with tears, and she feels like something’s taken ahold of her heart and _squeezed._

She doesn’t know how long she sits there, listening to her breath in her ears. Her mind frantically scrambles for a way out, but her emotions won’t sort themselves and she doesn’t know what she wants. It’s dizzyingly confusing, circular reasoning going back on itself over and over again and getting nowhere because she can’t even decide _what_ she feels for Adora.

But she’s run out of time to figure it out. There’s only one thing she can do.

~*~

Adora steps away from the punching bag, eyes tracking as it sways back and forth.

It’s good to have something to focus on, the rhythm almost comforting. Jab, jab, swipe. Side-step, jab. Her blood rushing, heart pounding in her ears. The feeling of her knuckles thudding against the bag. It helps keep her together, but it’s not enough to totally take her mind off what happened.

She shouldn’t have said anything. Catra clearly wasn’t ready to hear it- but she’d been getting more and more distant and Adora hadn’t known what else to do. Just watch the person she cared about most pull farther and farther away? And never really know why? She doesn’t think she has that in her.

So instead, she’d taken a gamble- confess _everything-_ and it hadn’t paid off. And now she doesn’t know what to do. The thought that she might’ve ruined what she was trying to save is unbearable, and she doesn’t think she’s ever been this scared before.

Adora had wanted to go after Catra, but thought better of it. Only problem is, now she has no idea what to expect from Catra. The next time they meet, are they just going to… pretend nothing happened? Or is Catra so upset she doesn’t want to talk to Adora ever again? Is Adora going to head back to the bunks just to find out Catra has requested to be moved to another room? Maybe even to another quadrant of the Fright Zone entirely? Has Adora truly lost Catra completely, messed up so badly that-

“Hey, Adora.”

“Catra!” Adora jumps, spinning around to face the other girl. The punching bag swings into her back, knocking her forward and almost into Catra.

Catra’s ears flatten down as she steps back, regarding Adora with a wince. “Hey there,” she says haltingly. “Got a sec to talk?”

Adora swallows. “Um, yeah, a- about that… Catra, I’m sorry I-” 

“I’m sorry I ran off,” Catra interrupts, lowering her gaze. “It uh, I- I mean it was a lot to process. But I’ve been thinking, and… you were right. It was scary, almost losing you. It… went on for so long I was starting to wonder if… if you would ever come back. And… and when you did, I was just scared of it happening again. Scared of getting- of you getting hurt again. Losing you again.”

Adora’s heart skips a beat. _‘I **was** scared.’_ As in, past tense. “But now?” she asks, a spark of hope lighting inside her despite herself.

Catra looks up, an unreadable emotion flashing in her eyes, before she reaches up and pulls Adora into a kiss.

Adora is too shocked to react, processing the feeling of Catra’s lips against hers. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about it before, but now that it’s actually happening, she almost can’t believe it.

Catra pulls away, smirking. “That a good enough answer for you?”

Adora coughs into her fist and nods, feeling her cheeks burn. At the same time, she can’t help the massive grin that splits across her face, her heart so full she thinks it might burst. “Y- yeah. For sure.”

“Good.” Catra runs her hands through her hair, smoothing down her ears- a slightly flustered gesture on her. “Now, have you tired yourself out, or are you up for some sparring?”

Adora lets out a laugh. “Ready when you are!”

She’s so happy and relieved she doesn’t know what to do with herself right now, and the return to normalcy is very much appreciated. For the first time in a month, everything’s just the way it was, but even better. For the first time in a month, Adora finally believes everything’s going to be alright.

And when Adora puts her arm around Catra’s shoulders, she doesn’t see her flinch.

~*~

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed, **please comment** if you did! - Aqua


End file.
